"I literally was living in my own hell." Faces Of Recovery - Kimberly Lau

When I was little, my mom was my best friend. I went to her for everything!

As for my dad, I always had a hard time communicating with him. I actually lived in fear of getting in trouble. As I got into my teens years, I realized there was no evidence of a "father/daughter" relationship. I'm not sure what exactly caused this on his behalf, but I never felt like he cared much.

In middle school I wanted to be accepted by my peers, just as any child would. I wanted to "fit-in," but I always was rejected. So, in 8th grade I met some friends who finally accepted me for who I was. I started smoking cigarettes and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. That same year, I had my first drink. That turned into a party, as I was celebrating my cousin's wedding.

As I entered high school the following year I was opened to a world of new peers. I started dating a sophomore about half way into my freshmen year. We became pretty serious fairly quickly. None of my friends cared for him. Of course I ignored what concerns they had because I was "in love." 

A year into the relationship we started breaking up on and off. I slipped into depression as my heart was breaking, but also very confused as to what I wanted. I was constantly being manipulated, verbally and emotionally abused. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to fix it. I was determined to change it!

His parents decided to move out of state and I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving. My mom agreed to him living with us. Things got worse. I was not only being manipulated but controlled, not just by him but he controlled me through my own mom. At this point I was smoking weed to numb it all, partying and drinking on the weekends, too. I couldn't handle all the emotional and verbal abuse. This continued until my junior year.

There were a couple of nights when I had school the next day, he would come home all wasted and drugged up. I locked my bedroom door every night and he still managed to get in. He would violently wake me and force himself on me. I was so sick of my lifestyle. I wanted out! I sank more into my depression and hated him for it all. I kept trying to get rid of him, but I felt trapped.

The first glimpse of hope I had was him moving out of state for a job. The spring he moved, I though to myself, "FREEDOM!!!" Even miles away, he continued to harass me by phone all the way up until I was 19 or 20. After he was gone, I met a whole new group of friends. I continued to indulge in the party life, experimenting with pills. I felt so free and happy being able to do what ever I wanted! I dated a couple of guys, none of which were not good for me either. I started feeling hopeless wondering what I did wrong. Why couldn't someone love me the way that someone should be loved!?

In January 2008, I met the most incredible guy. I felt like it was almost too good to be true. We started exclusively seeing each other for a few months. In June 2008, we found out we were expecting. As I was 19, and we had only been dating for a few months, I was shocked and scared out of my mind. I was not ready to take on motherhood! If I was feeling this way, I could only imagine his thoughts and feelings! However, the honorable man that he is, he stood by my side and supported me each step of the way. I sobered up for the duration of my pregnancy.

After our daughter was born, May of 2008, we went camping and he got down on one knee and proposed. This whole time I thought..."Am I dreaming?" "Is this real?" In October of 2010 we found the an awesome church. We started attending frequently. In January of 2011, we got baptized together, along with a few of our friends. I started hanging with friends who also stayed at home with their babies. On weekends we would go out to the bars, or if he was hunting the next morning he would stay with the baby so I could go out. At the time I was smoking again every day, all day to handle the pressures of motherhood with a colic baby.

I remember moments of complete frustration and feeling like a failure,] because, as a mom, you feel you should be able to calm your baby. My husband was working night shift for the first 4 years of our marriage. Even though I wasn't a single mom, I honestly felt like it because our schedules were so opposite. I started to get pretty depressed again.

I met a friend through a mutual friend who was also a stay at home mom, and I found myself in trouble before I even knew it. I started heavily smoking, taking Xanax and drinking on weekends. I started to seek attention from another person and ended up having an affair. My depression hit me real hard. I had contemplated of suicide, because, what in the hell was I doing!? What's wrong with me!? I found myself at the lowest point I' ever been in my entire life, I was at my complete rock bottom. I hated myself and again I felt trapped. My mind and depression became my worst enemy. 

In May 2011, I was at home on my hands and knees crying out to God while contemplating suicide. I begged God to help me & get me out of this disaster I had placed myself in! I heard Him say, "Ok Kim! I'm here, trust me, have faith, I'll get you through this!" I opened my bible to Hebrews 11:1. It says, "Now faith Is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I held so tight to that truth. That's when I decided to throw myself into recovery. I immediately cleaned up and got sober.

In July 2011, I came clean and told my husband everything. It was the worst day of our lives. I literally was living in my own hell. I never wanted to hurt him, our marriage, or our family. The person I became was not the person I am. We ended up being separated for 10 months. I kept seeking out God and His direction for me. I kept going to recovery and getting my strength from the Lord. I thought for sure my marriage and my life was over, but God gave me hope and a new life.

In October 2013, my husband re-proposed, and we started over. In February of 2015, we welcomed our second daughter into the world, and in June of 2015, we were blessed with the purchase of our very first home. It hasn't been an easy road, and we have put a lot of work into it. God found me in my broken and shattered life, and has completely restored me. I know I'm so unworthy, and you probably think I should be living a miserable life, but God's amazing grace and mercy saved me from myself. Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; You need only to be still." What a wonderful promise that is! The Lord is constantly fighting for me... and He is also fighting for you!